Weak-Willed Man Does Whatever Court Orders Him To
CHICAGO—Saying he ought to try standing up for himself every once and a while, sources reported Tuesday that local weak-will man Danny Reese did whatever the Cook County Circuit Court ordered him to do. “The judge tells him to stay 500 feet away from this place, stay 500 feet away from that place—and this pushover […]
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Jeff Bezos Changes Washington Post’s Slogan To ‘Love You, Babe’ After Getting Into Fight With Lauren Sánchez
WASHINGTON—In an effort to patch things up in their relationship, billionaire Jeff Bezos reportedly changed The Washington Post‘s slogan to “Love You, Babe” Tuesday after getting into a fight with his fiancée, Lauren Sánchez. “As of now, these words of affection are emblazoned on The Post‘s homepage and on all copies of the newspaper, and they will remain there until the two of them make up,” said executive editor Matt Murray, […]
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Think Tank Called ‘The Himmler Institute’ Assures Nation This All Legal
WASHINGTON—In an effort to assuage any fears over the constitutionality of the Trump administration’s flurry of executive actions, a D.C.-area think tank called The Himmler Institute reportedly assured the nation Monday that this is all perfectly legal. “We’ve studied the total legality of far-reaching executive actions for decades, and we can guarantee that everything happening […]
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Elon Musk Offers Self $10 Billion Federal Buyout
WASHINGTON—Saying he was just more deadweight hampering the executive branch’s ability to function efficiently, Elon Musk confirmed Monday that he had offered himself $10 billion to resign from his position as head of President Trump’s Department of Government Efficiency. “Like many other federal employees, I too have been presented with a buyout option as part […]
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Americans Start Stockpiling Moose Ahead Of Tariffs
WASHINGTON—Rushing to purchase the hoofed mammals before the Trump administration’s tariffs on Canadian imports went into effect, Americans across the country were reportedly stockpiling moose on Monday. “Prices of moose are already high, and I’m worried with these tariffs, they could surge even higher,” said 43-year-old Iowa City, IA resident Zachary Beattie, who was just […]
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Technically Woman Gentrifying Land Of Potawatomi People
CHICAGO—Vehemently refuting the suggestion she was contributing to the displacement of the neighborhood’s current residents, local woman Ellen Fuller told reporters Monday that technically she was gentrifying the land of the Potawatomi people. “You say this was a historically marginalized neighborhood, which is strange, because all I see is indigenous land,” said the 30-year-old asset […]
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Man Given 3 Months To Live Spends All Of It Reading Up On How Cool Ninjas Were
BOSTON—In an effort to avoid squandering any of the precious little time he had left, terminally ill man Sebastian Davies confirmed Monday that he was spending the entirety of his three remaining months of life reading up on how cool ninjas were. “I don’t want to leave this world with any regrets, so I’m packing […]
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Court Rules Elephants Can’t Sue To Leave Zoo
The Colorado Supreme Court unanimously ruled that five elderly elephants don’t have legal standing to sue to leave a local zoo because they’re not human. What do you think?
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Karla Sofía Gascón Apologizes After ‘Emilia Pérez’ Resurfaces
ALCOBENDAS, SPAIN—Responding to backlash after the resurfacing of a 2024 film in which she appeared, Karla Sofía Gascón issued an apology Friday for her participation in the movie musical Emilia Pérez. “I understand now that I should never have made this terrible film, and for that I’m sorry,” said the Academy Award–nominated actress, who asked […]
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Trump To Victims’ Families: ‘I’m Doing Everything Possible To Resegregate Flight Schools’
WASHINGTON—Pledging to restore racial purity to the nation’s aviation programs, President Donald Trump assured the families of American Eagle Flight 5342 victims on Friday that he was doing everything possible to resegregate flight schools. “You have my promise that I’m working around the clock to make sure our beautiful Caucasian pilots—who are just trying to […]
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