Report: 78% Of Americans Too Distracted By Politics To Appreciate The Summer Glen Powell Is Having
WASHINGTON—A new report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 78% of Americans were too distracted by politics to appreciate the summer Glen Powell is having. “Between the attempted assassination of one party’s presidential candidate and a last-minute replacement of the other, more than three…Read more…
Vet Has Bad News For French Bulldog Hoping To Have Natural Birth
SAUSALITO, CA—Stressing that she had done everything in her power to avoid medical intervention, local vet Dr. Anita Kaiser, DMV reportedly told a French bulldog Tuesday that she had bad news about her natural birth. “While I know it can be hard for dogs of your breed to hear, unfortunately, centuries of inbreeding…Read more…
MLB Loses Millions of Stats In Warehouse Fire
SAN FRANCISCO—As front-office executives surveyed the damage done to their record-keeping facility, Major League Baseball announced Monday that it had lost millions of stats Monday in a devastating warehouse blaze. “It is with a heavy heart that I share today the news of an accidental fire that has reduced to ash the…Read more…
Photo Of Garden Cucumbers Sent To Father Unleashes Torrent Of Unbridled Criticism
SCHAUMBURG, IL—Admitting that he should frankly know better than to share anything at this point, local man Jason Dearborn told reporters Monday that sending a photo of a garden cucumber to his father unleashed a torrent of unbridled criticism. “I texted my family a photo of what I thought was a great-looking,…Read more…
Democrats Panic After Kamala Harris Ages 40 Years In Single Night
WASHINGTON—Arriving for a campaign strategy session with the vice president and staring in disbelief at her frail, hunched-over form, top Democratic Party officials reportedly began panicking Monday after they discovered Kamala Harris had aged 40 years in a single night. “What the hell happened to her? She was only 59…Read more…
News Happening Faster Than Man Can Generate Uninformed Opinions
NEW YORK—Calling out the unsustainable pace at which historic events seemed to be occurring, local man Brad Gifford told reporters Monday that important news stories were now happening faster than he could generate uninformed opinions about them. “Look, I’m trying my hardest to scrape together confused takes…Read more…
Study Finds Smacking Own Head Yelling ‘Stupid, Stupid’ Could Be Early Sign Of Low Self-Esteem
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Shedding new light on the role of self-perception in human psychology, a new study published Monday by the Mayo Clinic found that smacking one’s own head while yelling “Stupid, stupid, stupid” could be an early sign of low self-esteem. “While previous generations saw the act of batting at your own…Read more…
Cave Discovered On Moon Could One Day House Humans
Scientists have confirmed the discovery of a cave on the moon not far from where Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed 55 years ago, with potentially hundreds more that could house future astronauts. What do you think?Read more…
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