The post Standing Desk Celebrates 4th Year At Lowest Possible Setting appeared first on The Onion.

President-elect Donald Trump pledged to fulfill his campaign promise of removing millions of undocumented immigrants in a “record-setting deportation operation.” Here is the incoming administration’s plan for carrying out mass deportation. Redirect immigration applicants to a travel blog called “50 Things To Do In Equatorial Guinea.” Trigger the trapdoor under Arizona. Check millions of migrants’ […]
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The post Take The Cannoli appeared first on The Onion.

Elton John, singer famed for “Tiny Dancer” and “Rocket Man,” announced to a theater audience that he had lost his sight, risking his ability to record new music. What do you think?
The post Elton John Reveals He Lost Vision From Eye Infection appeared first on The Onion.

LOS ANGELES—Making his case that the story of Elphaba and Glinda was too big for one picture, director Jon M. Chu defended on Wednesday his decision to split his new film Wicked into 230,400 successive images. “Narratively speaking, it just made sense to break the movie up into hundreds of thousands of pictures,” Chu said […]
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WASHINGTON—With a half-whispered murmur of “Hey, hey, ho, ho, [inaudible] has got to [inaudible],” thousands of the nation’s mumblers marched on Washington Wednesday demanding something or other. “Obviously these people care enough to take to the streets in protest, but we can’t tell what exactly they’re fighting for because they refuse to enunciate,” said D.C. […]
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President Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter, sparing him a possible prison sentence for federal felony gun and tax convictions and reversing his past promises not to use the powers of the presidency for the benefit of his family. What do you think?
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The post Study: More Americans Buying Firearms To Defend Selves From Toddlers Who Found Their Guns appeared first on The Onion.

President-elect Donald Trump promised to abolish the U.S. Department of Education. The Onion examines the pros and cons of eliminating the federal agency.  PRO: Paves way for bold new predatory loans CON: Without standardized testing, it is impossible to tell which of the nation’s youth should be selected for the new super-soldier program. PRO: Take […]
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NEW YORK—Admitting they felt a reasonable level of certainty about the unfamiliar phrase after stumbling upon it on ESPN.com, the authors of a new report published Monday confirmed that “La Liga” probably means “The League.” “Huh, I’m not entirely sure what they’re trying to express here, but for some reason I have this feeling that […]
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