Bear Spotted At Disney World Prompts Closure Of Magic Kingdom
A black bear was spotted in a tree near Big Thunder Mountain Railroad at Walt Disney World, leading to a temporary shutdown until it could be captured and removed. What do you think?Read more…
Quiz: How Much Do You Know About Taylor Swift?
Test your knowledge of one of the highest-grossing singer-songwriters of all time by passing this quiz on Taylor Swift.Read more…
Elon Musk Announces Successful Trial Of Neuralink Brain Detonator
BOCA CHICA, TX—Touting the device as the next step forward in primate mutilation, Elon Musk announced Thursday the first successful human trial of Neuralink’s brain detonator. “I am thrilled to announce that after exploding the heads of our trial participants, Neuralink’s groundbreaking brain detonator is one step…Read more…
Elizabeth Holmes And ‘Real Housewives’ Star Jen Shah Have ‘Bonded’ In Prison
Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes has reportedly made friends with ex-Real Housewives Of Salt Lake City Star Jen Shah in prison, with Shah’s reps claiming “they’re both rehabilitating and have bonded over being on this journey of positive change.” What do you think?Read more…
Men Explain Why They Are Obsessed With The Roman Empire
Following a recent TikTok trend that revealed men frequently think about the Roman Empire, The Onion asked men to explain why they are obsessed with the Roman Empire, and this is what they said. Read more…
R&B Song Clearly Started With Drip Sound Effect And Worked Backwards
NEW YORK—Noticing the prevalence of the idiosyncratic plopping noise throughout the slow jam, sources reported Wednesday that the writers and producers of an R&B song had clearly started with a drip sound effect and worked backwards. “I mean, of course you hear the drums and keys layered in, but they definitely sound…Read more…
Annoyed Murderer Starting To Worry Woman Never Going To Check Behind Shower Curtain
BAR HARBOR, ME—As he shifted his feet impatiently and tried to pass the time until his hiding spot was discovered, sources confirmed Wednesday that annoyed serial killer Ernest Vershbow was starting to worry the woman he lay in wait for was never going to check behind the shower curtain. “For the past 20 minutes, I’ve…Read more…
Obesity Study Finds 36% Of Americans One Deep Breath Away From Pants Popping Open
ATLANTA—Referring to the prevalence of the condition in the United States as both widespread and dire, a new obesity study released Wednesday by the Centers for Disease Control found that 36% of Americans were one deep breath away from their pants popping open. “Our data shows that for more than a third of the…Read more…
Report: Habsburgs Stopped Inbreeding One Generation Short Of Producing Perfect Human Specimen
PRINCETON, NJ—After studying the family’s genetic abnormalities over the course of many generations, a team of Princeton University researchers concluded in a paper published Wednesday that the Habsburg family stopped inbreeding one generation short of producing the perfect human specimen. “Sadly, while they didn’t…Read more…
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