Trump Held In Contempt Of Court After Stabbing Michael Cohen To Death With Ballpoint Pen
NEW YORK—Violating the judge’s order prohibiting the former president from killing his one-time fixer, Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Tuesday after stabbing Michael Cohen to death with a ballpoint pen. “Given the defendant’s willful and repeated refusal to comply with this court’s instruction not to shank…Read more…
Damning New Report Finds Someone Not Wearing The Shirt Wife Picked Out For Them
CARMEL, IN—Though they had previously approved the style and color, a damning new report released Tuesday found that someone wasn’t wearing the shirt their wife picked out for them. Sources confirmed that someone, who shall remain nameless, had shown up to a nice dinner party in a shirt that was not the one from the…Read more…
Walmart Baby Registry Questionnaire Includes Checkbox For Whether Or Not Pregnancy Forced
BENTONVILLE, AR—Adapting the retail outlet’s previously simple sign-up questionnaires to the modern world, Walmart announced Monday that its baby registry would now include a checkbox for denoting whether or not the pregnancy was forced. “We heard from many Walmart customers that it would be convenient to have a…Read more…
Tearful God Admits To Kidnapping Humanity 4,000 Years Ago To Raise As Own Children
THE HEAVENS—Saying He did not expect the species to forgive Him, a tearful God, Our Lord and long-supposed Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Tuesday that He kidnapped human beings 4,000 years ago to raise them as His own children. “I’m so sorry—I know I’ve always said you were created in My image, but that’s not…Read more…
Report: Your Mother A Sexual Creature
MISSOULA, MT—Bringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a report released inside your head Tuesday confirmed that your mother is a sexual creature. “We can conclude without reservation that the woman who brought you into this…Read more…
Tesla Fans Explain Why Elon Musk Deserves $56 Billion Payout
Tesla recently sought shareholder approval to restore Elon Musk’s $56 billion pay package, which was rejected by a Delaware judge. The Onion asked Tesla fans to explain why Elon Musk deserves the $56 billion payout.Read more…
Light Pole Installation Causes 911 Service Outage Across Several States
Lumen, the company that supports 911 some emergency call services, stated that the outages in Nevada, South Dakota, and Nebraska that left callers unanswered were caused by a “fiber cut” during the installation of a light pole. What do you think?Read more…
Girlfriend’s Eyes Peeking Up Over Torso During Blow Job Like Gator In Bayou
JERSEY CITY—Lurking ominously as her unsuspecting prey lay naked with his clothes strewn at the foot of the bed, local man Greg Jensen’s girlfriend peeked up over his torso during a blow job Monday like a gator in the bayou. According to terrified sources, Jensen’s girlfriend, much like an amphibious killer roaming…Read more…
Ways Robot Wives Will Solve The Western Dating Crisis
The so-called Western dating crisis has condemned countless men to a solitary life in which they cannot experience the joy of having a wife who exists solely to feed and pleasure them. The Onion explores how the terrifying epidemic of male loneliness could finally be solved if someone were to invent and sell robot…Read more…
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