‘Really, Really, Really Happy For You, Kamala,’ Says Hillary Clinton, Not Letting Go Of Handshake
WASHINGTON—Doing her best to appear elated while a large, throbbing vein protruded from her forehead, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said she was ‘really, really, really happy’ for Vice President Kamala Harris as she shook the presumptive Democratic nominee’s hand and refused to let go of it. “So, so, so…Read more…
Study Finds 14% Of College Freshmen Contract HPV By End Of Campus Tour
BALTIMORE—Aiming to raise awareness of the sexually transmitted disease, a new study published Tuesday by the University of Maryland School of Medicine revealed that nearly 14% of college freshmen will contract human papillomavirus by the end of their campus tour. “New data shows a staggering number of incoming…Read more…
Report: 78% Of Americans Too Distracted By Politics To Appreciate The Summer Glen Powell Is Having
WASHINGTON—A new report published Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that 78% of Americans were too distracted by politics to appreciate the summer Glen Powell is having. “Between the attempted assassination of one party’s presidential candidate and a last-minute replacement of the other, more than three…Read more…
Vet Has Bad News For French Bulldog Hoping To Have Natural Birth
SAUSALITO, CA—Stressing that she had done everything in her power to avoid medical intervention, local vet Dr. Anita Kaiser, DMV reportedly told a French bulldog Tuesday that she had bad news about her natural birth. “While I know it can be hard for dogs of your breed to hear, unfortunately, centuries of inbreeding…Read more…
MLB Loses Millions of Stats In Warehouse Fire
SAN FRANCISCO—As front-office executives surveyed the damage done to their record-keeping facility, Major League Baseball announced Monday that it had lost millions of stats Monday in a devastating warehouse blaze. “It is with a heavy heart that I share today the news of an accidental fire that has reduced to ash the…Read more…
Photo Of Garden Cucumbers Sent To Father Unleashes Torrent Of Unbridled Criticism
SCHAUMBURG, IL—Admitting that he should frankly know better than to share anything at this point, local man Jason Dearborn told reporters Monday that sending a photo of a garden cucumber to his father unleashed a torrent of unbridled criticism. “I texted my family a photo of what I thought was a great-looking,…Read more…
Democrats Panic After Kamala Harris Ages 40 Years In Single Night
WASHINGTON—Arriving for a campaign strategy session with the vice president and staring in disbelief at her frail, hunched-over form, top Democratic Party officials reportedly began panicking Monday after they discovered Kamala Harris had aged 40 years in a single night. “What the hell happened to her? She was only 59…Read more…
News Happening Faster Than Man Can Generate Uninformed Opinions
NEW YORK—Calling out the unsustainable pace at which historic events seemed to be occurring, local man Brad Gifford told reporters Monday that important news stories were now happening faster than he could generate uninformed opinions about them. “Look, I’m trying my hardest to scrape together confused takes…Read more…
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