Light Pole Installation Causes 911 Service Outage Across Several States
Lumen, the company that supports 911 some emergency call services, stated that the outages in Nevada, South Dakota, and Nebraska that left callers unanswered were caused by a “fiber cut” during the installation of a light pole. What do you think?Read more…
Girlfriend’s Eyes Peeking Up Over Torso During Blow Job Like Gator In Bayou
JERSEY CITY—Lurking ominously as her unsuspecting prey lay naked with his clothes strewn at the foot of the bed, local man Greg Jensen’s girlfriend peeked up over his torso during a blow job Monday like a gator in the bayou. According to terrified sources, Jensen’s girlfriend, much like an amphibious killer roaming…Read more…
Ways Robot Wives Will Solve The Western Dating Crisis
The so-called Western dating crisis has condemned countless men to a solitary life in which they cannot experience the joy of having a wife who exists solely to feed and pleasure them. The Onion explores how the terrifying epidemic of male loneliness could finally be solved if someone were to invent and sell robot…Read more…
Dad Blows Through 10 Of Child’s Snack Packs In One Sitting
AURORA, IL—Wondering aloud to himself why they made those things so damn small, local dad Henry Jackson reportedly blew through 10 of his child’s snack packs in one sitting Monday. “Goddamn, no matter how many of these I eat, I’m still hungry,” said the father of two, who, in the span of a single commercial break…Read more…
Skydiving Instructor Not Opening Parachute Until You Change Tone
SALISBURY, NC—Stressing that he did not need to put up with that kind of attitude, a local skydiving instructor reported Monday that he was not going to open the parachute until you changed your tone. “To be honest, I feel like I deserve more respect than what you’re giving me right now, especially when you’re the one…Read more…
$650,000? To Live In Fucking Ohio?
I mean, let’s be real, the kitchen is gorgeous and all the hardwood floors are completely original and in impeccable condition, but Ohio? Come on. We don’t even know where Powell is.Read more…
Nation’s Therapists Refuse To See You Anymore Because You Scare Them
DENVER—Insisting a third party be present when they made the announcement, the nation’s therapists held a press conference Monday in which they refused to see you anymore because you scare them. “I’m sorry, but it frightens us how disturbed and unwell you are, and because of that, we cannot continue on with you as our…Read more…
Unclear Why Woman Thought Thing She Just Pushed Out Of Vagina Would Be Cute
REDWOOD CITY, CA—As the woman held her newborn baby for the first time and acknowledged that she wasn’t exactly sure what she was expecting, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear why local 36-year-old Rose Jeffries thought the thing she just pushed out of her vagina would be cute. “Well, I guess that’s egg on…Read more…
