Excited Parents Inform Only Child He’s Going To Have A Little Competitor For Their Love And Attention
AKRON, OH—Sitting the 4-year-old down to share their big news with him, Ella and Demetrius Hayes informed their only child Tuesday that, before long, he was going to have an adorable little rival for their love and attention. “Someone new will be joining our family, and pretty soon, you’ll have a baby brother to…Read more…
What’s In The Pentagon Report On UFOs
Details have begun to leak about an upcoming Pentagon report declassifying government intelligence about unidentified flying objects. The Onion provides some of the most intriguing details from the upcoming report on UFOs.Read more…
Taylor Swift Fans React To Her Breakup With Matt Healy
After about one month of dating, Taylor Swift and English singer-songwriter Matt Healy have officially called it quits. The Onion asked Swifties how they felt about the artist’s latest high-profile breakup, and this is what they said.Read more…
Twitter Users React To Elon Musk’s Censorship
Despite portraying himself as a paragon of free speech, Twitter owner Elon Musk has repeatedly given into the requests of powerful autocratic regimes to silence their citizens. The Onion asked Twitter users how they felt about Musk’s censorship, and this is what they said.Read more…
Mid-Sized City’s So-Called Rush Hour Absolutely Pathetic
INDIANAPOLIS—Rolling his eyes at what barely constituted a congested highway, out-of-state driver Habib Khan told reporters Monday that Indianapolis’ so-called rush hour traffic was absolutely pathetic. “So this is what everyone was warning me about? It’s 8:30 a.m. on a Monday, and there’s maybe, like, three cars at…Read more…
Pentagon Releases Images That Appear To Show Random Chinese Guy
WASHINGTON—Claiming the seemingly unconnected private citizen was evidence of something probably, the Pentagon released images Tuesday that appeared to show a random Chinese guy. “Though we do not know his name or anything about him, we in the U.S. military find these newly declassified satellite photographs of a…Read more…
Landfill Of Fast Fashion Clothing Now Large Enough To Be Seen From Space
A mountain of unused fast fashion clothing items in the Atacama Desert in Chile has grown so large that satellites have captured clear images of it. What do you think?Read more…
Frightened Man Momentarily Forced To Engage With Reality In Between TV Episodes
CALDWELL, ID—Hyperventilating in panic from the end credits of one show to the opening theme of the next, local man Ferris Temple confirmed Tuesday that he was frightened after momentarily being forced to engage with reality in between TV episodes. “It was horrifying just sitting there with only the contents of my own…Read more…