Newsom Orders Removal Of Homeless Encampments
California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) issued an executive order calling on state officials to begin taking down homeless encampments, buoyed by a recent U.S. Supreme Court decision that ruled such “anti-camping” ordinances did not violate the Constitution’s ban on cruel and unusual punishment. What do you think?Read more…
Paris Opening Ceremony Features Tedious 45-Minute Discussion Of Godard’s Early Works
PARIS—With more than a billion viewers tuning in from around the world only to find themselves watching a panel of French film scholars and critical theorists, the opening ceremony of the Paris Olympics began Friday with a tedious 45-minute discussion of Jean-Luc Godard’s early works. “We’re half an hour in, and…Read more…
Team USA’s Arrival In France Leaves American Basketball Rims Largely Unguarded
WASHINGTON—Warning that interior defenses were spread too thin, experts confirmed this week that Team USA’s arrival in France for the Olympics had left America’s own basketball rims largely unguarded. “In a strategic blunder of historic proportions, the U.S. men’s national basketball team landing in Paris has left an…Read more…
Steven Spielberg Apologizes For Removing Kiss Between E.T., Elliott
LOS ANGELES—In a bombshell interview that has divided the movie’s fans and set the internet ablaze, director Steven Spielberg apologized Friday for removing a kiss between E.T. and Elliot from his classic 1982 film. “Though I understand now why fans wanted the titular extraterrestrial to grab his 10-year-old costar,…Read more…
PornHub Surprises Frequent User With Wife, Loving Family Upon 10,000th Masturbation
SAN DIEGO—In an attempt to reward the loyal fan for his years of support, PornHub reportedly surprised frequent user Jeffrey Mitchell this week with a wife and loving family after he reached his 10,000th masturbation with the adult platform. “Jeff, we can’t thank you enough for all of the loads you’ve busted to…Read more…
Credit Card Delinquency Rates Hit 12-Year High
New data showed that the share of credit card balances that are past due reached the highest level since the Philadelphia Federal Reserve began tracking it in 2012, indicating that people are struggling to pay off their credit card debt even as many trim their spending. What do you think?Read more…
Physical Therapy Office Politely Declines Daniel Jones’ Offer Of Framed, Signed Jersey For Wall
EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Insisting repeatedly that they just didn’t have the space, physical therapy practice Elite Recovery politely declined New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones’ offer Friday of a framed and signed game-worn jersey for the wall. “That’s so nice of you, and we wish we could put it up, but…Read more…
Tips For Getting Diagnosed With ADHD As An Adult
As awareness of the condition has grown, so have diagnoses and self-diagnoses of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder in adults. The Onion presents tips for those seeking an ADHD diagnosis.Read more…
Hydrothermal Explosion At Yellowstone Blasts Debris Into Sky
A surprise eruption in Yellowstone National Park shot steam, water, and dark-colored rocks and dirt high into the sky, sending alarmed sightseers running for safety. What do you think?Read more…
Delight At Receiving Breakfast In Bed Mitigated By Difficulty Of Eating While Horizontal
TAMPA, FL—Explaining that his plate was positioned perpendicular to, rather than parallel with, his mouth, local man Dominic Worley told reporters Thursday that his delight at being served breakfast in bed was greatly mitigated by the difficulty of eating while horizontal. “Naturally, I was thrilled to wake up and…Read more…