Political Memes
Spatter Analyst Finally Working With Blood After Years Paying Dues With Urine
NEW YORK—Happy to move on to the next phase of her career, Nicole Marinos, a spatter analyst with the New York Police Department, told reporters Monday that she has finally started working with blood after years of paying her dues working with urine. “It’s nice to finally move onto more important forensics work after… Read…
Read MoreVince Gilligan Reunites With Bryan Cranston For New Breakfast Bar
LOS ANGELES—Finally announcing the joint venture after months of speculation from fans, Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan reunited with series star Bryan Cranston Monday to produce a new breakfast bar. “Let’s see if we can capture lightning in a bottle for a second time with our frosted-oat brand,” said Gilligan,… Read more…
Read MoreGod Blindsided After Illegitimate Son From Andromeda Galaxy Tracks Him Down In Heaven
THE HEAVENS—Expressing uncertainty about how to handle the awkward situation, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly blindsided Monday after His illegitimate son Xyzyys from the Andromeda Galaxy tracked Him down. “Dammit, he clearly used his own money to travel here and he doesn’t have any way to get home, so I guess I… Read more…
Read MoreSeth Rich Conspiracy Theorists Publicly Apologize As Part Of Lawsuit Settlement
Ed Butowsky and Matt Couch, two conspiracy theorists who pushed false claims about the death of DNC staffer Seth Rich, have retracted their statements and publicly apologized after settling a lawsuit brought by the victim’s brother. What do you think? Read more…
Read MoreMLB Beginning To Suspect Pirates Just A Mob Front
PITTSBURGH—Speculating as to how the listless franchise has still managed to stay open all these years, sources close to the MLB confirmed Friday that the league has begun to suspect the Pittsburgh Pirates are just a mob front. “It must be some kind of money-laundering operation, because they’re clearly doing the bare… Read more…
Read MoreLady Gaga, J. Lo To Perform At Biden Inauguration
Lady Gaga will sing the national anthem and J. Lo will perform a musical number as part of next Wednesday’s inaugural ceremonies for President-Elect Joe Biden. What do you think? Read more…
Read More‘She’s Now Eating A Muffin In The Commissary,’ Posts Congresswoman Boebert Continuing To Livetweet Pelosi’s Location
WASHINGTON—Following her brief suspension from the social media platform, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) continued to livetweet House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s location Friday, posting “She’s now eating a muffin in the commissary.” “The Speaker has discarded the baking cup and is now pouring herself a cup of coffee—no,… Read more…
Read MoreU.S. Mint Introduces New Seven-Cent Coin To Bolster Citizens’ Math Skills
WASHINGTON—Explaining they were excited to “kick things up a notch,” officials from the U.S. Mint announced Friday a new seven-cent coin to bolster citizens’ math skills. “Let’s face it, we made it way too easy the first time,” said U.S. Mint Director David J. Ryder, who shared the bureau’s hopes that the new… Read more…
Read MoreNation Enters New Phase Of Vaccine Distribution Where Capricorns, Gymnasts, Childless Uncles Now Eligible For Inoculation
ATLANTA—Reviewing changes to the priorities for Covid-19 vaccine recipients, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday that the nation was entering a new phase of vaccine distribution where Capricorns, gymnasts, and childless uncles were now eligible for inoculation. “If you are between the ages… Read more…
Read MoreWikipedia Turns 20
Wikipedia was launched Jan. 15, 2001, and the collaborative open encyclopedia has remained a top go-to website for information. The Onion looks back at the biggest moments in Wikipedia’s history on the site’s 20th anniversary. Read more…
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