Amazon Celebrates Union Defeat By Raising All Prices 150% Anyway

BESSEMER, AL—Triumphant in the wake of the failed organization attempt at their Alabama warehouses, Amazon released a statement Friday celebrating the union defeat by raising all prices on customers by 150% anyway. “Although our fulfillment center workers declined to unionize today, we’re still going to jack up the… Read more…

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Timeline Of Major Physics Discoveries

American physicists recently discovered that a tiny subatomic particle called a muon does not conform to the laws of physics as currently understood, suggesting the potential discovery of a brand-new form of physics. The Onion looks back at a timeline of humankind’s major physics discoveries. Read more…

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Poll Finds Americans Hate Being Trapped In Mazes

WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing study of the nation’s attitudes toward confined spaces from which there is no perceivable escape, the Pew Research Center released a new poll Friday that found nearly all Americans hate being trapped in mazes. “Almost 95% of the U.S. residents we surveyed told us they really did not… Read more…

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Colorado Temporarily Re-Bans Marijuana For Statewide Tolerance Break

DENVER—Reminding residents of a time when a single joint was all it took to get a nice buzz going, Colorado officials announced Thursday that, effective immediately, they would temporarily re-ban marijuana as part of a statewide mandatory tolerance break. “After nearly a decade of legalized recreational use, we are… Read more…

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Report: Huh, Interesting Choice For An Outfit Today

AUSTIN, TX—Weighing in on the matter after you had dressed for work and departed for the office, a new report issued Thursday determined that your choice of outfit this morning sure was an interesting one. “Wow, you look…um, that’s quite the ensemble you’ve got going there,” the report read in part, before continuing… Read more…

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