The Case For And Against Confirming Amy Coney Barrett

Amy Coney Barrett, President Trump’s nominee for the Supreme Court seat vacated by the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, has driven controversy in Washington over both her beliefs and the legitimacy of her appointment. The Onion presents the case for and against confirming Barrett for the Supreme Court. Read more…

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Man Has Come Too Far To Turn Back For Grocery Basket

FALCON, CO—Rueing his earlier hubris but knowing that the only course he had left was to press forward to the next aisle of the supermarket, local man Tim McClendon told reporters Friday that he had come too far to turn back for a grocery basket now. “I’ve reached the point of no return, so I…

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Scientists Warn Florida Will Be Under 6 Feet Of Snakes By 2021

MIAMI—Urging drastic action to mitigate the effects of the imminent herpetological disaster, scientists at the University of Miami warned Friday that Florida could be completely submerged by snakes as early as 2021. “Our projections show that the Sunshine State will be beneath 70 to 80 inches of pythons and… Read more…

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