Political Memes

AURORA, IL—Wondering aloud to himself why they made those things so damn small, local dad Henry Jackson reportedly blew through 10 of his child’s snack packs in one sitting Monday. “Goddamn, no matter how many of these I eat, I’m still hungry,” said the father of two, who, in the span of a single commercial break…Read more…

SALISBURY, NC—Stressing that he did not need to put up with that kind of attitude, a local skydiving instructor reported Monday that he was not going to open the parachute until you changed your tone. “To be honest, I feel like I deserve more respect than what you’re giving me right now, especially when you’re the one…Read more…

I mean, let’s be real, the kitchen is gorgeous and all the hardwood floors are completely original and in impeccable condition, but Ohio? Come on. We don’t even know where Powell is.Read more…

DENVER—Insisting a third party be present when they made the announcement, the nation’s therapists held a press conference Monday in which they refused to see you anymore because you scare them. “I’m sorry, but it frightens us how disturbed and unwell you are, and because of that, we cannot continue on with you as our…Read more…

REDWOOD CITY, CA—As the woman held her newborn baby for the first time and acknowledged that she wasn’t exactly sure what she was expecting, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear why local 36-year-old Rose Jeffries thought the thing she just pushed out of her vagina would be cute. “Well, I guess that’s egg on…Read more…

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