Political Memes
The Onion Cultural Standard: The Bachelor
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New Law Requires Texans To Show ID To Buy Phallic Foods
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to crack down on the statewide proliferation of adult foodstuffs, the Texas Legislature passed a new law Friday requiring all residents to show identification to buy phallic foods. “From bananas to cucumbers to submarine sandwiches, obscene foods will no longer be allowed to fall into the hands of minors in the […]
The post New Law Requires Texans To Show ID To Buy Phallic Foods appeared first on The Onion.
Big Bird Seen Working At Local Starbucks After PBS Funding Cuts
The post Big Bird Seen Working At Local Starbucks After PBS Funding Cuts appeared first on The Onion.
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Snake Getting Twirled Around Like Lasso Never Gonna Live This Down
SARTELL, MN—Feeling a deep sense of embarrassment wash over his long, scaly body, a local snake getting twirled around like a lasso reportedly realized Friday that he was never going to live this down. “Being spun in circles above the head of a child pretending to be a big strong cowboy is the most humiliating […]
The post Snake Getting Twirled Around Like Lasso Never Gonna Live This Down appeared first on The Onion.
Pale Teenage Psychic Collapses With Nosebleed After Trying To Jerk Self Off With Power Of Mind
EDEN PRAIRIE, MN—Causing light bulbs to shatter and plaster to rain down from the ceiling of the quaking room, pale teenage psychic Derek Timmons reportedly collapsed with a nosebleed Friday after trying to jerk himself off with the power of his mind. “I…I thought I was strong enough to harness my psychokinesis to beat my […]
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What To Know About The Hallow Prayer App
Hallow, a Catholic prayer app, is observing Lent with a prayer challenge featuring celebrities like Mark Wahlberg, who is also an investor in the app. The Onion shares everything you need to know about Hallow. Q: Who is Hallow aimed at? A: Lapsed Catholics seeking a closer connection with Mark Wahlberg. Q: Is Hallow only […]
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Trump Announces 25% Tariff On Talking Cars
WASHINGTON—In a stunning escalation of his ongoing automotive trade war, President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was imposing a 25% tariff on foreign-made cars that talk, make wisecracks, and have real emotions just like people. “For too long, the American market for cars that not only talk but have a personality all their own has […]
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Cardinals Begin Placing Stickers On Vatican Relics They Want When Pope Francis Dies
VATICAN CITY—With many remarking that they’d had their eyes on the holy artifacts since they first saw them, cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church reportedly began placing stickers this week on the Vatican relics they wanted when Pope Francis dies. “I’ll take these fragments of the true cross, I’ll take St. Peter’s bones, and before […]
The post Cardinals Begin Placing Stickers On Vatican Relics They Want When Pope Francis Dies appeared first on The Onion.
Furious Trump Cancels ‘Atlantic’ Subscription After 48 Years
WASHINGTON—In protest of the publication’s coverage of the Signal breach, President Donald Trump announced Thursday that he had canceled his subscription to The Atlantic after 48 years as a loyal reader. “Their more literary stuff remains unimpeachable, but I just can’t stand their political reporting anymore,” said the commander-in-chief, who confirmed that he had just […]
The post Furious Trump Cancels ‘Atlantic’ Subscription After 48 Years appeared first on The Onion.
Food Stamps: Myth Vs. Fact
More than 41 million Americans receive monthly benefits through the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, also known as food stamps. The Onion dispels the common myths surrounding SNAP. MYTH: Defunding food stamp programs won’t actually save the government money. FACT: Cutting food stamp funding will eliminate millions of unnecessary citizens. MYTH: People who receive food stamps […]
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