Political Memes

BATH, ENGLAND—Saying the discovery shed new light on the infamous German dictator’s life, University of Bath researchers revealed DNA sequencing Friday showing that Adolf Hitler was a type of fern. “After analyzing genetic material taken from Hitler’s bunker and comparing it with DNA from one of his known relatives, we’ve determined with 97% certainty that […]
The post DNA Sequencing Reveals Hitler Was Type Of Fern appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Urging low-income Americans to be patient as officials worked around the clock to restore normal operation, the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program issued a statement Friday warning recipients that it could take days before their kidneys regained function. “As staff are reinstated and payments begin to roll out, please expect delays in filtering out impurities in […]
The post SNAP Warns Recipients It Could Be Days Before Kidneys Regain Function appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Roundly criticizing the provision to outlaw many hemp products that was included in the bill to reopen the government, industry leaders warned Friday that the federal hemp ban threatened the overall identity of Evan Brucker, 32, a local guy whose whole deal pretty much begins and ends with hemp. “Congress may claim the provision only […]
The post Federal Hemp Ban Threatens Local Guy’s Whole Deal  appeared first on The Onion.

Australian researchers identified a new species of native bee with tiny horn-like projections on the female’s face, prompting comparisons to a Satanic figure. What do you think?
The post ‘Lucifer Bee’ With Devil-Like Horns Discovered In Australia appeared first on The Onion.

The post Kourtney Kardashian Casually Mentions She Passed Bar Just Fine appeared first on The Onion.

The post Ghislaine Maxwell Conceals Escape Tunnel Behind Pinup Poster Of Shirley Temple appeared first on The Onion.

SEATTLE—In an effort that was intended to be subtle but was clearly targeted, local cat Arlo reportedly followed pet owner Joshua Rice around his apartment Friday like a racist Walgreens employee making sure a customer wasn’t going to steal anything. “That asshole thinks he’s being discreet, but I can see him staring at me as […]
The post Cat Follows Man Through Apartment Like Racist Walgreens Employee appeared first on The Onion.

The citizens of Algebrania let out a mighty cheer after the wicked sorcerer Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician, 3,500, was turned to dust by seventh grader Ben Louise correctly multiplying the denominators.
The post Divisio, the Malevolent Mathgician appeared first on The Onion.

The brides wrote their own vows in what turned out to be a generative fiction-writing prompt.
The post Sloan Wyckoff and Rowan Bishop appeared first on The Onion.

After decades in the House of Representatives, Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has announced she will not seek reelection next year. The Onion looks back at the former House speaker’s life and career.  1940 Born in Baltimore with mark of the gavel on her forearm. 1961 Poses for photo with President John F. Kennedy at inaugural […]
The post Timeline Of Nancy Pelosi’s Career appeared first on The Onion.