Political Memes

MINNEAPOLIS—Looking glumly at the mess of candies and royal icing, local 44-year-old Anthony Renton told reporters Thursday that building a shitty gingerbread house was just making his depression worse.  “Nothing will stick—the gumdrops, the Twizzlers, the candy canes, the Hershey’s kisses—they all reject the frosting, just as life has rejected me,” said Renton, who stared […]
The post Building Shitty Gingerbread House Just Making Depression Worse appeared first on The Onion.

The post Ho, Ho, Ho, I’m Regrowing My Foreskin! appeared first on The Onion.

CHICAGO—Stressing that the procedure offered affected individuals their best chance at recuperation, experts at Northwestern University’s medical school issued a recommendation Thursday that severely injured people should be placed into some sort of cylindrical tank filled with fluid. “Our data indicate that almost all wounds and maladies can be mitigated, if not outright reversed, by […]
The post Experts Recommend Putting Injured Person In Some Sort Of Cylindrical Tank Filled With Fluid appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—NFL referees announced Monday they had started a new tip line to which penalties could be reported, part of an effort to streamline the video review process and provide an opportunity for fans to help with the enforcement of rules. “Starting today, we will have a dedicated team of volunteers standing by to collect any […]
The post NFL Referees Share New Penalty Tip Line Number appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTE, NC—Screaming at the TV and remarking to himself that none of this made any sense, local football fan Sean Greene criticized an unrealistic NFL commercial Thursday for depicting a Carolina Panthers fan watching a game with his friends. “It’s crazy enough they want me to believe these guys root for the Panthers, but they […]
The post Unrealistic NFL Commercial Depicts Panthers Fan Watching Game With Friends appeared first on The Onion.

BOSTON—Gazing longingly at the obvious warmth and good cheer within, local bald man Frank Richmond reportedly pressed his face to a window Wednesday as a thick-haired family inside sat down to dinner. “They all seem so happy,” said Richmond, his wrinkled, naked pate offering no protection from the cold night air as he watched the smiling clan prepare for a meal by tucking their long, luxurious locks behind […]
The post Bald Man Presses Face To Window As Thick-Haired Family Sits Down To Dinner appeared first on The Onion.

Mysterious drones have been hovering in the skies above New Jersey and other states in the Northeast for weeks, alarming residents and prompting lawmakers to demand answers. What do you think?
The post Mysterious Drones Spotted Over New Jersey appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that even the most hopeless group of outcasts could eventually be whipped into shape, Army recruiter Sgt. Paul Ackers confirmed Thursday that he was certain the ragtag bunch of teen misfits he had recently enlisted could be molded into a fighting force capable of dying in a conflict overseas. Ackers told reporters the […]
The post Military Recruiter Enlists Ragtag Bunch Of Teen Misfits To Die In Overseas Conflict appeared first on The Onion.

NEW YORK—Saying it reminded him why he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order to stay motivated at the office, he always kept a photo of himself on his desk. “When I’m working long hours at night or on the weekend, this photo helps me to take […]
The post CEO Motivates Self By Keeping Own Photo On Desk appeared first on The Onion.

ABC News agreed to pay $15 million toward Donald Trump’s presidential library to settle a defamation lawsuit over anchor George Stephanopoulos’ inaccurate on-air assertion that the president-elect had been found civilly liable for raping writer E. Jean Carroll. What do you think?
The post ABC Pays $15 Million To Settle Trump Defamation Suit appeared first on The Onion.