The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Chuck Schumer

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) has published a new book, Antisemitism In America. The Onion sat down with the politician to discuss his greatest achievements, Trump’s second term, and the future of the Democratic party.

The Onion: Why did you allow the spending bill to pass?

Chuck Schumer: I finally got a 7 p.m. reservation at Carbone, and I couldn’t let the opportunity go.

The Onion: Can’t you do anything?

Schumer: I can shake this pencil between my fingers and make it look like it’s wiggling.

The Onion: What do you consider your biggest accomplishment?

Schumer: Probably achieving telepathic communication with Nancy Pelosi.

The Onion: What do you still want to accomplish?

Schumer: I don’t know exactly how it’ll happen, but I’d really like something called “The Schumer Protocol” to exist.

The Onion: Are you excited about the new generation of Democratic leaders?

Schumer: The 65-year-olds coming up have really impressed me in how quickly they fall in line.

The Onion: Are you jealous Mitch McConnell is considered the most chelonian senator, even though you also look like a turtle?

Schumer: I’m under no illusion that the American public is well-versed in herpetology.

The Onion: What’s something about you that might surprise people?

Schumer: That it’s really me sending all those text messages.

The Onion: Be honest—how do you really feel about AOC?

Schumer: Alexandria and I may not always see eye to eye on policy, but at the end of the day, I will crush her beneath my heel. 

The Onion: How do you want to leave office when the time comes?

Schumer: Gracefully by body bag.

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