Office Shooter Too Grossed Out To Kick Down Door Of Lactation Room

CLEVELAND—Stalled in a panic after his planned rampage hit an unexpected snag, area office shooter Zachary Carter was reportedly too grossed out Friday to kick down the door of his workplace’s lactation room. “Oh God, yuck—I feel like I can smell the lactation. I don’t know if I can do this,” said the pale and queasy Carter, his sweaty grip loosening on his firearm as he gagged at the mere thought of a nursing mother using a breast pump inside the very room before him. “What if someone’s lactating in there right now? I was ready to bust in and start shooting, but I don’t want to go in there if there’s breast milk everywhere. Ew, that’s so nasty. Why can’t they just do that shit at home?” At press time, upon realizing he had probably already touched some of the same doorknobs as lactating women, Carter promptly shot himself in the head.

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