NBA Team Physicians Admit They Only Know Medical Stuff About Legs

NEW YORK—Addressing reporters during the league’s annual sports medicine consortium, NBA team physicians admitted Wednesday that the medical stuff they know is almost entirely limited to the legs. “To be completely honest, we mostly just have expertise on the stuff that matters for our players—namely, the two legs,” said Brooklyn Nets medical director Harold Riley, explaining that the NBA has approximately 125 team physicians, all of whom are pretty much clueless about anything going on above the waistline. “You’ve got a torn ACL? We’re going to be able to help you. But we only have a vague idea what the deal is with toes. Everything in the chest is a total mystery. Presumably there are bones and stuff. And maybe arms are kind of like shorter, stubbier legs? But I wouldn’t really feel confident saying either way.” Riley added that many team physicians actually divide responsibilities with a colleague so that each can focus solely on the study of either the left or the right leg.

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