Singer-songwriter Gracie Abrams is currently touring to promote her album The Secret Of Us. Here is everything you need to know about the artist.  Genre: Treadmill cooldown Image: Girl next door in a gated community  Hair Color: Bob Most Famous Relative: 2013 Toledo Chili Cook-Off winner Paulie Abrams Lyrical Themes: Rebelling against au pair Birthday […]
The post Artist Profile: Gracie Abrams appeared first on The Onion.

Kim Kardashian announced that she has completed her law program after six years of legal studies, with her sister Khloé sharing photos of the private ceremony on her Instagram story. What do you think?
The post Kim Kardashian Graduates Law School appeared first on The Onion.

Costa Rican prison guards intercepted a black-and-white cat carrying over 230 grams of marijuana and 67 grams of crack cocaine in two packages, the drugs having been taped to its body. What do you think?
The post Drug Smuggling Cat Caught In Costa Rica appeared first on The Onion.

KOHLER, WI—Rushing out a statement to reaffirm the executive’s love and respect for the company’s signature plumbing product, Kohler was reportedly doing damage control Tuesday after CEO K. David Kohler admitted to the press that he never uses toilets. “David wouldn’t be in this business if he didn’t believe in toilets,” said Kohler assistant director […]
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The post Owner Gives Detailed Preamble For Why Dog Named Mr. Dog appeared first on The Onion.

PORTLAND, OR—Preaching the virtues of breaking free from an oppressive system of mass brainwashing, local man Dan Pearson, the chosen one who will lead humanity out of its current dark age of commercialism, revealed Monday that advertising doesn’t work on him. “I actually do research online instead of just buying something because of some dumb […]
The post ‘Advertising Doesn’t Work On Me,’ Says Chosen One Who Will Lead Humanity Out Of Dark Age Of Commercialism appeared first on The Onion.

Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning, the eighth installment in the series, is expected to be another box-office smash. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film.  Q: Who is directing? A: Christopher McQuarrie with a gun pointed at his head by Tom Cruise. Q: What stunts does Tom Cruise pull off in this […]
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A Texas man filed a lawsuit against the fast food chain Whataburger alleging that he received onions on his burger despite requesting none, claiming the meal caused an allergic reaction. What do you think?
The post Whataburger Sued For $1 Million For Not Holding Onions appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Predicting that the system would save countless Americans from missing an all-time classic, the Federal Emergency Management Agency announced the creation of a new alert Friday that would notify the public whenever the 1996 film Twister was airing on TNT. “If Twister is playing in your area, you will receive a notification on your phone that reads ‘Emergency Warning: […]
The post New FEMA Alert Notifies Public Whenever ‘Twister’ Airing On TNT appeared first on The Onion.

VAN NUYS, CA—Using a grand gesture to reveal his feelings to the object of his affection, local teenager Eddy French reportedly stood outside his crush’s window Friday holding up Peter Gabriel. “As soon as I pulled back my curtain and saw Eddy in the rain with the original frontman of Genesis held high above his head, my […]
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