BOSTON—Gazing longingly at the obvious warmth and good cheer within, local bald man Frank Richmond reportedly pressed his face to a window Wednesday as a thick-haired family inside sat down to dinner. “They all seem so happy,” said Richmond, his wrinkled, naked pate offering no protection from the cold night air as he watched the smiling clan prepare for a meal by tucking their long, luxurious locks behind […]
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NEW YORK—Saying it reminded him why he comes to work every morning, Solarion Enterprises CEO Dan Lipcot told reporters Friday that in order to stay motivated at the office, he always kept a photo of himself on his desk. “When I’m working long hours at night or on the weekend, this photo helps me to take […]
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WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that even the most hopeless group of outcasts could eventually be whipped into shape, Army recruiter Sgt. Paul Ackers confirmed Thursday that he was certain the ragtag bunch of teen misfits he had recently enlisted could be molded into a fighting force capable of dying in a conflict overseas. Ackers told reporters the […]
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Mysterious drones have been hovering in the skies above New Jersey and other states in the Northeast for weeks, alarming residents and prompting lawmakers to demand answers. What do you think?
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ABC News agreed to pay $15 million toward Donald Trump’s presidential library to settle a defamation lawsuit over anchor George Stephanopoulos’ inaccurate on-air assertion that the president-elect had been found civilly liable for raping writer E. Jean Carroll. What do you think?
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The post Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS—Groaning to Himself as the professionally dressed evangelists rounded the corner, the Lord God Almighty reportedly locked the gates of heaven Tuesday after spotting Mormon missionaries milling around outside. “Maybe if we turn off all the lights and pretend no one’s here we can get rid of them,” said the Creator of the Universe, […]
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WASHINGTON—Apologizing for the terrifying series of events that left shocked, confused, and disgusted citizens screaming, crying, and searching for cover, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Daniel Gilroy announced his resignation Tuesday after accidentally playing porn on the nation’s Emergency Alert System. “This morning at 11:21 a.m. EDT, I opened up a pornographic video on my laptop, […]
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MADISON, WI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed at least two individuals and injured six others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Monday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was […]
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LEXINGTON, KY—Clutching his stomach and describing his nostalgia for an era now passed, 36-year-old man Steven Dewey sat down with reporters this week and recalled his halcyon days of seven Oreos ago. “Ah, to be at the beginning of the pack with a whole sleeve still ahead of you,” said Dewey, appearing wistful as he […]
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