WASHINGTON—In another dramatic twist in the ongoing scandal involving the late sex trafficker, sources confirmed this week that U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi previously informed President Donald Trump that his name was tattooed all over Jeffrey Epstein’s body. “During a routine Oval Office briefing, Bondi mentioned that Trump’s name was inked on every inch of […]
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TALLAHASSEE, FL—Perplexed that the Department of Justice had chosen a setting with such strange decor to ask her about Jeffrey Epstein’s co-conspirators, Ghislaine Maxwell confirmed Thursday that she couldn’t help but notice her interview room was covered in plastic sheeting. “Wow, you’ve got the whole room tarped up—you guys doing some painting later?” said Maxwell […]
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The post Trump: ‘We Could Argue All Day About Who Is Or Isn’t A Child Rapist’ appeared first on The Onion.

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem has hinted that more changes are coming to TSA following the end of the agency’s shoe removal policy. Here is a selection of the new security rules coming to the nation’s airports: Agents will personally thank white couples traveling with white children. Mandatory ridiculing of bad driver’s license photos Any […]
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WASHINGTON—Saying he hoped the break would keep his party focused on the America First agenda, Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) announced plans Thursday for the House of Representatives to take a short recess as he doused the U.S. Capitol in gasoline. “We know that the American people are best served by putting an end to these […]
The post ‘The House Will Take A Short Recess,’ Declares Mike Johnson Dousing Capitol In Gasoline appeared first on The Onion.

WASHINGTON—Following federal cuts to utility bill assistance programs, the Department of Health and Human Services released guidance Thursday advising low-income seniors to stay cool by wallowing in the mud. “With summer temperatures soaring, it’s more important than ever that older Americans are taking the time to lower their bodies into slop,” said Health Secretary Robert […]
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NEW YORK—Instinctively lowering themselves into a defensive crouch while awaiting the return of the eerily absent audio cue, Manhattan residents reportedly remained on alert Thursday after a sunrise unaccompanied by languid clarinet music. “Every day, as long as I can remember, I would roll out of bed to a soulful clarinet solo scoring the sun’s […]
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This wedding took a bizarre turn Saturday after the groom willingly engaged in a perverted family tradition in which he slow-danced with his own mother.
The post Brian King and Sylvia Rinaldi appeared first on The Onion.