CHICAGO—After forgetting to bring sufficient entertainment for the two-hour flight from Atlanta to O’Hare Airport, area man Kenneth Vargas reportedly spent his entire time aboard a plane Thursday reading War And Peace over the shoulder of the passenger seated in the row ahead of him. “I felt like an idiot for not downloading any books […]
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CUPERTINO, CA—Amidst the strain of tariffs, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced Thursday the launch of a new 7,083-piece iPhone kit. “Apple customers will have a blast soldering, polishing, and drilling as they build their very own iPhone,” Cook said in a Keynote presentation at Apple headquarters, touting the new product as an innovative, first-of-its-kind achievement […]
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MEMPHIS, TN—In a last-ditch effort to keep the lights on, the Memphis Science Center confirmed it had opened a new interactive exhibit this week that lets kids figure out how to manage the budget shortfall that, if it is not dealt with, will soon shutter the museum. “Through our ‘Fun With Funding Cuts’ display, children […]
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WASHINGTON—Although the mysterious stranger has been spotted both on Air Force One and at Mar-a-Lago, an administration official confirmed Wednesday that nobody in the White House was sure who the guy praying over President Donald Trump is. “All anyone knows about this dude is that he showed up at a meeting with the Pentagon top […]
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The British government will use medication to suppress the libidos of sex offenders as part of a package of measures meant to reduce the risk of reoffending and alleviate overcrowding in the prison system. What do you think?
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LOS ALAMOS, NM—The four words presaging even grimmer dialogue to come, the phrase “you on the apps?” reportedly heralded the beginning of the world’s bleakest conversation, sources reported Tuesday. Several reports indicated that the already dire back-and-forth was further cemented as among the most depressing ever once the speaker followed up with a question about […]
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NASHUA, NH—Providing enrichment activities for students with abilities that set them apart from their peers, the gifted program at Middlebrook Elementary only admits kids who can emotionally handle time away from their iPads, school officials confirmed Tuesday. “Our gifted and talented program is an elite option that is definitely not for everyone,” said principal Terri […]
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