WASHINGTON—In a move the Trump administration claims will reduce government waste and remove redundancies from federally funded programs, the National Endowment for the Arts announced a sweeping round of layoffs Wednesday that terminated the employment of roughly 30,000 muses. “An independent audit of the NEA revealed a significant glut of unnecessary sources of inspiration, all […]
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WASHINGTON—Angrily claimings the populace had neglected its patriotic duty to support domestic manufacturing, President Donald Trump issued a statement Tuesday decrying the lack of U.S.-made products lodged in American rectums. “Sad how much cheap ‘Made in China’ GARBAGE is still being stuffed into people’s asses while Great American flashlight and curtain rod makers suffer,” Trump […]
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FRESNO, CA—Revealing that all of the company’s customers have been seduced by a hidden monstrosity, Sun-Maid announced Tuesday that the girl in the company logo has always been a sentient raisin disguising itself in human flesh. “You’ve bought Sun-Maid raisins all these years thinking that was a kind young girl smiling back at you, but […]
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AUGUSTA, GA—Racked with guilt at the thought of making the wrong decision, local couple Anthony Wells and Katherine MacNaughton were reportedly debating on Tuesday the ethical implications of bringing another child into this bar. “There are already so many children in the World of Beer—is this really something we want weighing on our conscience?” said […]
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WASHINGTON—Promising to lift export controls on AI chips if they received the rare first-edition trading card in return, U.S. trade negotiators reportedly offered China access to advanced semiconductors Tuesday in exchange for a holographic Charizard. “We’ll give you state-of-the-art Nvidia GPUs if you give us a PSA 10 Gem Mint holographic Charizard,” Treasury Secretary Scott […]
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WASHINGTON—Vowing to restore and revitalize the facilities as a symbol of law, order, and justice, President Donald Trump ordered the U.S. government Monday to reopen Joann Fabrics and Crafts stores as federal prisons. “I am directing the Bureau of Prisons to use all 850 Joann locations to house America’s most ruthless and violent Offenders,” Trump wrote […]
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DURHAM, NC—Threatening to have his client sit out the rest of the academic semester unless he was paid what he’s worth, Cooper Flagg’s agent Austin Brown negotiated a 10% increase Monday in textbook buyback value for the NCAA star from the Duke University bookstore. “This Intro to Psychology textbook is top-of-the-line, and we aren’t budging […]
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WASHINGTON—Questioning the press’s past coverage of the man known as the D.C. sniper, social media users have reportedly begun criticizing the early 2000s media for its harsh treatment of John Allen Muhammad. “You should have seen the tabloids back then—they were so mean to him,” 37-year-old podcast host Leigh Scholler wrote Monday, lambasting outlets from […]
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