Tesla car dealerships across the U.S. have been attacked with guns and Molotov cocktails in recent days over what protesters believe is Elon Musk’s overreach in government. What do you think?
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CHICAGO—Showing a graciousness and magnanimity that the rest of the world has denied these pariahs and rejects, Jordan Hall, the only good-looking person in the office, was reportedly mingling Wednesday with his hideous coworkers like a missionary among lepers. Several reports indicated that the handsome and fit Hall was drinking and eating alongside the outcasts […]
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BATON ROUGE, LA—As a direct result of receiving pediatric emergency care services, local toddler Tim Ilsington, who was hospitalized Monday, will reportedly spend the rest of his life associating Mickey Mouse with physical pain. Sources confirmed that the 2-year-old, who was admitted to Ochsner Medical Center after fracturing his ulna, will from this point forward […]
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PHILADELPHIA—Saying he was in the market for a more powerful and rugged vehicle, prospective car buyer Gabe Orcutt reportedly took an SUV out Wednesday for a test hit and run. “I took it for a spin through some pedestrians, and I like how smoothly this thing flees the scene of an accident,” Orcutt said of […]
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WASHINGTON—Promising to use the U.S. DOGE Service to usher in a new age of government accountability and transparency, Elon Musk ordered the creation of a federal employee revenge porn database this week. “Federal employees have been lazy and unmotivated for years, so to ensure productivity going forward, all government workers must email me private nudes […]
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WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—In a new revelation shedding further light on the ticket sales and distribution giant’s alleged monopoly, a bombshell report published Tuesday found that Ticketmaster controls 80% of America’s middle school talent shows. “Ticketmaster retains the exclusive booking rights to thousands of middle school auditoriums across the country, creating an out-of-control resale market that […]
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BEVERLY HILLS, CA—In an attempt to stay organized as she balances the demands of fame and her personal life, pop superstar Taylor Swift reportedly spent Monday night editing the spreadsheet in which she ranks all of her friendships. “Hmm, I think Selena [Gomez] can stay at the number-four spot—things were looking a little dicey with […]
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CLEVELAND—Excitedly heading out to yards, balconies, and public parks across the country to reap the wellness benefits, the U.S. populace confirmed Monday that it was using the extra hour of daylight to sun its perineums even harder. “If you thought I was serious about my health before, just wait and see what another whole hour […]
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WASHINGTON—Warning that Americans should brace themselves for an economic “period of transition,” President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that a recession would be an unfortunate but necessary step on the way to all-out depression. “Look, what we’re doing is very big and will cause some pain, but that pain is necessary to cause total economic […]
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