U.S. Cancels Bird Flu Vaccine
The Trump administration canceled a contract awarded to Moderna for the late-stage development of its bird flu vaccine for humans, as well as the right to purchase shots. What do you think?
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Study Finds Weed Use Linked To Early Heart Disease
A study found that healthy people who regularly smoked marijuana or consumed THC-laced edibles showed signs of early cardiovascular disease similar to tobacco smokers. What do you think?
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Novelty Car Horn Playing ‘La Cucaracha’ Sends Stephen Miller Into Dissociative Fugue State
WASHINGTON—Causing the White House deputy chief of staff to experience intense psychological distress, a novelty car horn playing “La Cucaracha” reportedly sent Stephen Miller into a dissociative fugue state Friday. “I saw him walking down the street when the horn sounded, and he froze in place for a full minute and then began shaking all […]
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Hair Loss: Myth Vs. Fact
An estimated 80 million Americans suffer from hair loss, including thinning and male pattern baldness. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding hair loss. MYTH: Genetics are the main cause of hair loss. FACT: Hair loss is most commonly caused by standing too close to an open flame. MYTH: Hair loss is permanent. FACT: […]
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Tesla Employees Scramble To Make Office Look Like They’ve Been Sleeping There
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to give the impression that they had been burning the midnight oil while CEO Elon Musk was away in Washington, D.C., employees at Tesla reportedly scrambled Thursday to make the office look like they’d been sleeping there. “Elon’s going to be back any minute, so make sure to throw some dirty […]
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Crypto Investor Tortures Man In Attempt To Steal Bitcoin Password
A 37-year-old cryptocurrency investor was charged with kidnapping a man and beating, shocking and torturing him for weeks inside a luxury townhouse in downtown Manhattan, all in a scheme to get the man’s Bitcoin password. What do you think?
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Trump Pardons Tom Sandoval
WASHINGTON—As part of a flurry of legal actions in recent days that granted clemency to more than 25 people, President Donald Trump reportedly pardoned disgraced Bravo TV star Tom Sandoval this week. “Thanks to President Trump, Tom Sandoval will finally be indemnified against all the toxic Vanderpump Rules drama,” said publicist Brittany Trumble, adding that the […]
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Timeline Of Trump’s Battle With Harvard
President Donald Trump has frozen more than $3 billion in grants and contracts as his feud with Harvard University continues to escalate. The Onion shares a timeline of the dispute’s key dates so far. January 29: Trump administration accuses the Harvard Law Review of promoting violent pro-law rhetoric. February 3: The Justice Department announces the […]
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Recession Forecasts Jump After Herds Of Panicked Economists Start Running Off Cliffs
NEW YORK—With unexplained natural phenomena having predicted seven of the last eight market collapses, experts confirmed the likelihood of a recession had increased Thursday amid reports that herds of panicked economists had started running off cliffs. “We still don’t know what causes them to do it, but economists can naturally sense a recession in the […]
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