President Donald Trump’s administration said that it is going to pay immigrants who are in the United States illegally and return to their home country voluntarily $1,000 as it pushes forward with its mass deportation agenda. What do you think?
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​​President Donald Trump is directing the reopening and expansion of Alcatraz, the notorious former prison on a hard-to-reach California island off San Francisco that has been closed for more than 60 years. What do you think?
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TUCSON, AZ—Expressing concerns after she observed several of the telltale warning signs, fourth-grade teacher Patricia Cormac told reporters Wednesday that she could tell a student in her class with spiky hair and sunglasses came from a rad home. “When you’ve been in this profession as long as I have, little behavioral tics like skateboarding into […]
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WASHINGTON—In a move the Trump administration claims will reduce government waste and remove redundancies from federally funded programs, the National Endowment for the Arts announced a sweeping round of layoffs Wednesday that terminated the employment of roughly 30,000 muses. “An independent audit of the NEA revealed a significant glut of unnecessary sources of inspiration, all […]
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WASHINGTON—Angrily claimings the populace had neglected its patriotic duty to support domestic manufacturing, President Donald Trump issued a statement Tuesday decrying the lack of U.S.-made products lodged in American rectums. “Sad how much cheap ‘Made in China’ GARBAGE is still being stuffed into people’s asses while Great American flashlight and curtain rod makers suffer,” Trump […]
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AUGUSTA, GA—Racked with guilt at the thought of making the wrong decision, local couple Anthony Wells and Katherine MacNaughton were reportedly debating on Tuesday the ethical implications of bringing another child into this bar. “There are already so many children in the World of Beer—is this really something we want weighing on our conscience?” said […]
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WASHINGTON—Promising to lift export controls on AI chips if they received the rare first-edition trading card in return, U.S. trade negotiators reportedly offered China access to advanced semiconductors Tuesday in exchange for a holographic Charizard. “We’ll give you state-of-the-art Nvidia GPUs if you give us a PSA 10 Gem Mint holographic Charizard,” Treasury Secretary Scott […]
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FRESNO, CA—Revealing that all of the company’s customers have been seduced by a hidden monstrosity, Sun-Maid announced Tuesday that the girl in the company logo has always been a sentient raisin disguising itself in human flesh. “You’ve bought Sun-Maid raisins all these years thinking that was a kind young girl smiling back at you, but […]
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