Guy Ordering Nonalcoholic Beer Has Either Seen A Ton Of Shit Or No Shit At All

LYNCHBURG, VA—In a move that betrayed no hint of his past behavior or experiences, a guy ordering a nonalcoholic beer Tuesday had reportedly either seen a ton of shit or no shit at all. “The second this dude bellied up to the bar and put down a tattered $10 for an Athletic Brewing Co. nonalcoholic IPA, I knew he was a crazy motherfucker who had been through the ringer—or else a total namby-pamby wuss who’s terrified of life,” said local bar-goer Alison Price, confirming that the customer’s shabby appearance and tired stare as he nursed his beverage could connote a hard-living carouser at the end of his rope or a shrinking violet so coddled that the mere act of going into a bar was an exhausting ordeal.  “With a guy like this, my best guess is that he’s been binge-drinking since he was 9 years old, started getting into fights, maybe did some prison time, and now his best shot of getting his life back on track and spending time with his estranged kids is total sobriety. Of course, it’s equally likely that he’s just a dweebie stockbroker or something who took D.A.R.E. super seriously and has never had more than a glass of white wine at a wedding.” After he began chewing on a large wad of gum and working on a crossword puzzle, observers stated they were no closer to understanding whether the bar patron was going cold turkey after years of nonstop partying or was continuing a lifetime of forswearing all vices.

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