A Kentucky mom is speaking out after her 8-year-old son unknowingly ordered 30 boxes of Dum-Dums lollipops on Amazon, racking up a $4,200 charge. What do you think?
The post 2nd Grader Orders 70,000 Lollipops On Amazon appeared first on The Onion.

The post Conclave Selects First Chicago-Style Pope appeared first on The Onion.

THE HEAVENS—Cursing aloud the moment news of Leo XIV’s election arrived on His phone screen, the Lord Almighty told reporters this week He had lost $400 betting on Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle to become pope. “Oh, son of a bitch, that pretty much cleans out My savings,” said the visibly frustrated deity, groaning that He […]
The post God Loses $400 Betting On Cardinal Tagle appeared first on The Onion.

The post Pope Leo XIV: ‘There Couldn’t Be A Better Time To Get The Fuck Out Of America Forever’ appeared first on The Onion.

TORONTO—Admitting that he had butterflies in anticipation, local man Greg Fitzsimmons reported feeling nervous Friday before introducing his date to his hives for the first time. “They can get irritated pretty easily, so I really hope everybody gets along,” said the 33-year-old, confessing that it had been quite some time since he had brought a […]
The post Nervous Man Introduces Date To His Hives appeared first on The Onion.

CAIRO—In what many are calling the most cringe discovery of the century, a team of archaeologists reportedly uncovered evidence this week of a completely embarrassing Egyptian Rockabilly dynasty. “While excavating an area around the Valley of the Kings, we were able to unearth tombs containing artifacts that appear to date from a long-forgotten and groan-inducing […]
The post Archaeologists Uncover Embarrassing Egyptian Rockabilly Dynasty appeared first on The Onion.

President Donald Trump’s administration said that it is going to pay immigrants who are in the United States illegally and return to their home country voluntarily $1,000 as it pushes forward with its mass deportation agenda. What do you think?
The post Trump Offers Undocumented Immigrants $1,000 To Leave Country appeared first on The Onion.

​​President Donald Trump is directing the reopening and expansion of Alcatraz, the notorious former prison on a hard-to-reach California island off San Francisco that has been closed for more than 60 years. What do you think?
The post Trump Orders Reopening Of Alcatraz appeared first on The Onion.

The post Sin’N’Out appeared first on The Onion.

TUCSON, AZ—Expressing concerns after she observed several of the telltale warning signs, fourth-grade teacher Patricia Cormac told reporters Wednesday that she could tell a student in her class with spiky hair and sunglasses came from a rad home. “When you’ve been in this profession as long as I have, little behavioral tics like skateboarding into […]
The post Teacher Can Tell Child With Spiky Hair, Sunglasses Comes From A Rad Home appeared first on The Onion.