Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) is floating Elon Musk to be Speaker of the House after the powerful tech billionaire helped torpedo a bipartisan agreement on a short-term spending bill, a move made possible by the fact that the Constitution does not specify that the House Speaker must be a member of the chamber. What do […]
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Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” turns 30 years old this holiday season. The Onion looks back on Mariah Carey’s career in honor of the Christmas hit. 4 B.C.: The son of God is delivered unto man, and the Lord in Heaven dispatches an angel to sing his word each solstice hitherto. […]
The post Mariah Carey: A Career Timeline appeared first on The Onion.

CHARLOTTE, NC—After finding only a large, plain envelope with his name on it under the tree, local foster child Dylan Mayfield reportedly began to worry Wednesday that the few measly sheets of paper solidifying his adoption would be his only Christmas present this year. “That was a really nice gesture and all, and they seemed […]
The post Foster Child Hopes Adoption Papers Not His Only Christmas Gift appeared first on The Onion.

LEAWOOD, KS—Taking the rumpled package out from behind his back, an excited Travis Kelce reportedly surprised girlfriend Taylor Swift Wednesday by handing a wrapped, football-shaped gift to the pop super star. “Here you go, babe,” said the 35-year-old Kansas City Chiefs tight end who watched eagerly as Swift regarded the oblong, sloppily wrapped package. “A special Christmas present, just for my sweetheart. I think you’re really […]
The post Travis Kelce Excitedly Hands Taylor Swift Wrapped Football-Shaped Gift appeared first on The Onion.

An estimated 120 million packages are stolen every year. With holiday shopping in full swing,The Onion shares tips for preventing package theft.  Ask neighbors to keep an eye out for any packages they’d like to steal themselves. Have your packages sent to a P.O. box so that you won’t pick them up either. Employ a […]
The post Tips For Preventing Package Theft appeared first on The Onion.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—With security checkpoints having been set up near every exit, New York Jets fans were reportedly stopped and asked to sign nondisclosure agreements Sunday before leaving MetLife Stadium. “By signing this document, you are agreeing that you will never discuss the details of what happened on that field today with anyone outside of […]
The post Jets Fans Required To Sign NDA Before Leaving Stadium appeared first on The Onion.

LAS VEGAS—Stressing how much it meant to Mrs. Claus’ sister to be included for the first time in the family business, Santa Claus confirmed Monday that as their present this year, all children would be receiving one of the bags of glitter labeled “fairy dust” that his sister-in-law sells on Etsy. “We’re excited that on […]
The post Santa Confirms Everyone Getting Bag Of Glitter Labeled ‘Fairy Dust’ His Sister-In-Law Sells On Etsy appeared first on The Onion.

Scientists have for the first time created mouse stem cells from the genes of a single-celled life form, using these newly generated stem cells to help form a living, breathing mouse from a developing embryo. What do you think?
The post Scientists Create Mouse Using Single-Celled Organism appeared first on The Onion.

Millions of parents across the U.S. are scrambling to complete their holiday shopping. In honor of the season, The Onion looks at the history of the most popular Christmas toys.  1877: Millions of trees are felled across the country to keep up with children’s demands for woodcuts of President Rutherford B. Hayes. 1933: Do you […]
The post Timeline Of Trendy Christmas Toys appeared first on The Onion.

Pete Hegseth, Trump’s pick to lead the Pentagon, has refused to withdraw his nomination amidst allegations of financial mismanagement and sexual misconduct. Here is what you need to know about the Defense Secretary nominee’s background. Marital Status: Third wife, 12th affair  Military Rank: Goon Speaking Style: Eight drinks in  Hairstyle: Speaking role in American Psycho […]
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