50 Hilariously Stupid New Years Resolutions

The New Year is here, and with it comes the perfect excuse to set some resolutions – or, in this case, a hilariously creative list of goals that balance self-improvement with a heavy dose of humor. From personal growth to quirky aspirations, let’s dive into a year full of puns, giggles, and some “seriously unserious” commitments. Here's to making 2025 a year to remember!

1. Swap in a new set of golf clubs for your spouse—it’s a fair trade.

2. Commit to mirror-cleaning duty—you’ll clearly see yourself doing that.

3. Brush up on your boomerang-throwing skills—it’s bound to come back to you.

4. Stop procrastinating…just not right now.

5. Search high and low for your lost watch—you’ll find the time eventually.

6. Pick up lock-picking as a new skill; it’s sure to unlock some opportunities.

7. Sell your silent parakeet—preferably to someone who understands its value (it isn't going cheap.)

8. Avoid elevator gossip—it’s time to level up your workplace manners.

9. Install a picture window in your home for an extra dose of scenic views, it will be a big pane though.

10. Start a playful Facebook group, and hopefully some people will patronise it.

11. Say goodbye to your dusty vacuum—it’s just gathering dust anyway.

12. Quit deli meats even if it is hard to go cold turkey.

13. Treat yourself to a new golf shirt—after all, you’ve earned it by getting a “hole-in-one”

14. Solve the age-old chicken-and-egg debate by ordering both online.

15. Politely decline any funerals before 10 a.m.—you’re just not early mourning material.

16. Tackle your fear of hurdles—it’s worth taking that leap of faith.

17. Thank your wife’s OB-GYN for their role in bringing your kids into the world—he really helped them out.

18. Visit a nude beach when you’re ready to stop being clothes minded.

19. Give away your broken garden gate—there’s no catch in this deal.

20. Spread birthday cheer by dressing as a clown and charming the neighborhood kids. They will really appreciate the jester.

21. Pick up sign language—it’s extremely handy.

22. Swap out your shoelaces for Velcro— Hey, why knot?

23. Perfect the art of silly faces to kickstart your mornings with laughter.

24. Convince the tooth fairy to launch a candy-for-toothpaste exchange program.

25. Master the fine art of eating ice cream without the dreaded brain freeze.

26. Become the ultimate champion of building cozy cushion forts.

27. Hone your dinosaur roar for surprise moments of prehistoric drama.

28. Make someone laugh daily with a goofy joke, dance, or both.

29. Learn to eat spaghetti without turning dinner into a saucy disaster.

30. Race to clean up toys faster than a superhero saving the day.

31. Embrace the "no veggies left behind" policy… or let your dog help out.

32. Turn bird-watching into a spy game by naming the backyard birds as secret agents.

33. Channel your inner ninja to sneak extra cookies undetected.

34. Challenge yourself to learn the "Thriller" dance by Halloween—zombie moves included.

35. Throw a penny into every mall wishing well you encounter—watch your wishes add up.

36. Discover the treasures hidden in your car’s trunk—literally clear out that junk.

37. Treat your car to a disco-themed car wash at least once—because cars deserve fun too.

38. Host a Sunday Supper for friends each month and make it a food fest.

39. Try ordering every drink on the Starbucks menu—but maybe not all at once.

40. Master the art of charcuterie boards to impress at every gathering.

41. Dedicate a day to flamingo-ing a friend’s yard for their birthday.

42. Spend a day practicing your favorite celebrity impression—Oscar-worthy or not.

43. Commit to enjoying your morning coffee before brushing your teeth for once.

44. Break your resolutions occasionally—and don’t feel guilty about it.

45. Make a meme account and brighten the internet one laugh at a time.

46. Commit to becoming the friend who always has gum or mints ready.

47. Rearrange your kitchen… again… because why not?

48. Attempt to binge-watch your favorite series more times than seems reasonable.

49. Celebrate Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas in July—snow in summer vibes!

50. Develop a ninja-level stealth strategy for sneaking leftovers from the fridge.

And there you have it—a list of New Year’s resolutions that promise plenty of laughs and lighthearted moments in 2025. Whether you’re tackling your to-do list, experimenting with quirky ideas, or simply indulging in a little more fun, remember: the best resolution is to enjoy every moment of the journey. Here’s to a year full of puns, progress, and perfectly imperfect adventures!